Quicksilver

At The Crossroad

I didn't know who or what I was. I wasn't born thinking about it. I didn't spend my childhood wondering about it. Perhaps some people have experienced life that way. I didn't. I just had a life. It was all fine. I grew up in a loving family. I learned the ropes of being human and a mindful citizen. I didn't even know I was doing that. I was just living and working and making relationships with others.

Looking back now, I see the trail markers I've been following and leaving, long before I was even aware of the trail. Some markers prompted me to turn this way or that, but many were just tidbits of information. There remains a trail of pebbles, reminders, items to pique my interest or satisfy it in some small measure or to note that this spot or that was particularly meaningful to me.

Now as I turn to scan behind me, I see that the seemingly plain little pebbles are actually sparkling gems. They drew me along a thread that I myself must have spun before I even came to this world as a babe. I must have planted them or arranged them. Many are places I touched out of my own resonances or triggered with my own need for growth in those areas. My touch highlighted these stones and set them as markers without me realizing it.

I now smile with recognition of each one of those stones. I see how each one fits just right along the pathway. I came along the trail as I intended. I am exactly where I meant to be, which at this moment is at a crossroad, looking back.

I make it sound so simple, this recognition. It is not. It was not. It has been neither simple, nor easy, nor quick. It has taken me decades of living to even get to this crossroad. It has taken awareness to even see that it IS a crossroad. I found myself a little frightened to turn and look back on my path, on my past. What if none of it made sense?

Honestly, I have done this before. I have looked back. I tried to see some sense or pattern to it but I couldn't quite grasp it and so the vaguery turned me around again. Maybe if I walked a bit further I could see the road better? I had hope. I continued on.

But even these times, I now see, are glistening with gems. There was always something to learn in those turnings, in all turnings. This one, where I now clearly see the path I've trod, may not be my last turning, but I know that the journey from here is conscious trail blazing rather than the seeming blindness of trying to follow a mysterious subconscious trail. I am aware that I am on a path and that I blaze it myself, as I travel.

The truth is, it could always have been this way. In fact, as noted, I was actually blazing my own trail, with perhaps a few pebbles dropped just a bit ahead of me by my own inner self. But, now I am awake to it, I am aware of it. It is a subtle and at the same time a profound difference.

Also, I do not walk alone. I do not usually strike out into completely uncharted territory. My path crosses many. Now I recognize, or rather I remember, a few very important principles of this travel...

At one time I thought that we walked randomly, without purpose or direction, that we were guided only by wind and whim. Then I came to sense there was a coordination to all of it, though I might never know the coordinates myself. I suppose some would call this a recognition of a higher power outside oneself and call it God.

Eventually I realized that this implied goals or some final destination for our journeys here and a hierarchy in which those 'above' were withholding information from those 'below'. I found this disturbing. If the path is coordinated and the end is set, why walk it? Why tread what is already known from beginning to end? Much less re-tread it in infinite diversity or infinite carbon-copies?? Surely this was not the case.

This notion began to work in the shadows of my thoughts. I began to think that there is no real end, no planned destination. First I had to overcome the fear of this possibility. In fact, it became comforting to know I was not redundant or on some kind of cosmic treadmill. I began to embrace the concept of unfoldment, of our journeys going in a general direction where we intend to go but without locking ourselves into a specific destination.

This is when I began to truly appreciate the journey of living. Every day holds something new, even if it may seem very similar to other days. If I pay close attention, then every moment of every day holds a fresh wonder, a flush of emotion, a different perspective, or polishes a facet of my life. All I had to do was open myself to the full experience of living and do it one moment at a time. I could think on the Past. I could ponder the Future. But if I tried to dwell in either, I would miss the glorious and precious gift of the Present.

But now, at a crossroad, I pause to look back. I did not have to stop Time. It collapsed on me, for me. I pause to wonder at all the sparkling synchronicities as they shine and dance in the sky, as they flow in the river, as they beam at me from the ground along that trail. I feel their light and energy dancing through me, pulsing through my veins, causing my heart to skip a joyful beat at the recognition and drawing a tear of appreciation.

I see the trail of gemstones I have left in my wake, but I also see that they are the very signs that brought me here. I understand from here that Cause and Effect serve as one function and a debate over which really comes first is meaningless. There is no forward or back. It is all the same moment, yet differentiated into countless moments of simultaneous experience which seem sequential.

There is only one element in all of this which has remained at the core of my perceived movement in space and time. Regardless of all the details and outward expressions, there is a kernel that remains throughout. That kernel is of course me and not me alone, but me as I am connected to every other spark of Creation. For at the core of it, we are that spark, THE spark of Creation, of All That Is. I am me, but We are One. There is no question of this. It may defy words, but my heart, my soul, knows the whole truth of it. And now, I consciously know in a way that goes beyond what we even consider as knowing.

The crossroad then is this... It is me standing in this moment, in this incarnation, with this conscious knowledge, and choosing my next step. I could sit here and enjoy where I've been, delve into more of the details, look for more of those precious gems, or I can turn around again, looking forward into the Future as we perceive Time in this plane. All that I have experienced remains with me as resource. I can walk on, with peace and confidence sparkling behind me like the tail of a comet. I can go where I wish, do as I wish. I no longer fear what harm I may do because I know that we are One and that everything we do or don't do is part of our delightful journeying, learning, exploring.

Within the All that is Us, that is me, I do have a responsibility, but only one. I am responsible for expressing my uniqueness, no matter how much of that may be echoed in many other entities within the All. I am a unique configuration among all configurations. We each are.

I have spent most of this life and many other lives exploring my similarities and differences with others. Once I am over the judgement of what is better/worse, good/bad, I can see it all as simply resonances or variety. I do not use it to limit myself, nor to measure myself or others in any way. I simply take inventory and refine my understanding of who I am and What Is. I am at liberty to create new parameters or fold existing features into my BEing. Naturally, if I create something new, then it is also made available to the All.

I see no hierarchies. There are no levels in All-which-is-One. But, there are differences because we are each not only distributed sparks of Creation but unique sparks. Why copy the exact same print to infinity? When the All sent itself out to be, to learn, to explore, it did so in infinite variety and that expansion continues into eternity. We all contribute. We all share in the whole bounty. What we partake of personally and how we put it to use is always our choice. Always. In this plane, in these and related forms, we have long been subject to our own unconscious choices. That time is ending. We are awakening to our power consciously.

There IS a higher power, but it is not "over" us. The power of all of us together is greater than the power of one, but the power of one, can forever change the All. It has always been thus, but now we're remembering it and learning consciously how to play in it.

10.17.2002

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