History It may be interesting to recall past lives but the specifics of all of them are not really important to our current journey. For example, if you took a tour of Europe every year, you would likely forget the details of every single time you visited the Eiffel Tower. I mean, after a while you might even skip it. It's not changing so why keep going there? However, if on one trip to the Eiffel Tower you were mugged and lost all your money, your passport, and the film record of your whole trip, well, that incident would stick out in your mind for a very long time. You might avoid the Eiffel Tower for a few years until you'd gotten over the memory. Things we recall from past lives, if any, may be no more than impressions or leftover feelings. In fact, we don't have to recall anything or believe in past lives consciously, to be affected by them. Some people have fears, even to the point of clinical phobias, that really have no logical explanation from this lifetime. One of mine was a fear and loathing of spiders to such an extreme that my pulse would race and I'd get very angry that any spider had the audacity to appear in my house. I'd hunt them down and kill them viciously. I had no recollection of any 'spider incidents' in my life, not even in early childhood. Yet, I so detested spiders that even speaking of them made me shivering mad. It was obvious that something to do with spiders was very traumatic for me. I was not only afraid but I was irrate. I had no problem with spiders living wherever they live out in the world, but I never wanted to see them in my home. I even admire some spiders who know their place. I love the black and yellow garden spiders who build such beautiful webs that glisten with dew and have an intricate white zig-zag ladder in the center. But when I came across a spider in my house, I felt it was invading, violating my space and somehow, my rights. I meditated on this and worked at it through creative writing as well as free-association writing. In conjunction with some other feelings and effects that have no basis in this lifetime, I now believe I know some of what the spider hint has been trying to tell me. I came to feel that my past life experience must hold some answers. Ultimately, the details do not matter, but trying to define the fear or hatred may be aided by such memories and if so, then you may recall them in some form. There are likely leftover issues and unlearned lessons wrapped up in strong, uncomfortable or painful feelings, especially if they seem inexplicable. If you recognize that you have such feelings, also recognize that they impede your soul progress. You can choose to eliminate them and this can be done in a single moment of epiphany, but is more likely to be dealt with in stages. I felt that I'd carried forward a soul wound from some original event. I needed to define it and face it. In my meditations, I pondered what issues came to mind in association with the spiders or any other notions that I've carried which have no basis in my life. Another rather significant item was my long-held opinion that there is something unnatural and evil about men with black hair and light blue eyes. Why would I think this? I don't recall even knowing any such men until I was well into my 20's and I judged the first one I saw on the spot. It made no sense but it was a very strong feeling and in each subsequent encounter with these physical characteristics, I got the same feeling, knowing nothing of the men themselves. More thoughts began to fill in the picture. My life has been easy, wonderful and fun, except for high school. At puberty I became an entirely different person from the carefree child I had been. There was no external reason for this that I can determine and I've given it a lot of thought over the decades since that dark time in my life. Of course with adolescence there are body changes and chemical changes and adjustments and such, but the transformation I made was radical. It was literally day to night. I became overweight in the course of one year. I went from being a social butterfly to a brooding loner. I put on a smile for everyone who expected it but inside I was seething with self-hatred and a wish to just die. I spent a few short rounds in psychotherapy through the years since. I learned to recognize and deal with some of the symptoms I had developed but they never seemed to be linked to any starting point or event that might usually cause these sorts of dysfunctions. In recollection, there were two things in my life that would elicit deep sadness and tears before I could stop them. One is the life I felt I missed as a teenager because of this brokenness, whatever it was. The second is children, which is another issue but possibly related in some way. Finally, now, as an awakened spirit, I could take a holistic look at what might have been going on with me and what I have been battling now and then in my adult life. When I added up the symptoms, I would appear to be a victim of sexual abuse. But there's one problem with that, I was not sexually abused. I have continuous memories all the way back to when I was about two years old and nothing in all that time would even suggest the slightest hint of abuse in any way. I only carried the effects and they seemed to be activated by puberty, ie, when sexuality, relationships and independent growth became important issues. So, logic was giving me hints but they made no logical sense. I worked on allowing my intuition to play a more active role in this quest. I started with 'what if' and let my spirit go. I reminded myself that I need not fear what I might find. If there was some terrible secret, I needed to be aware of it. It had already affected me. I wanted to drag it out and clear it from my slate so I could move on. Well, I got answers then. I got a stream of memory that began to paint a rather dire picture. I began to write out what I was seeing and the event cleared up much of the mystery as well as leaving me with quite a wound to be healed. I believe that in a previous lifetime, I was sexually assaulted by a man with black hair and cold blue eyes. He had a tattoo of a black spider on his right shoulder. The event occurred on a moonlit night, on a wharf. During the violation, all I could see was the spider, seeming to move as the man moved. The image was the focus of my fear, pain and hatred of the offender. This is not the leap of imagination that it appears to be as I'm telling it. The images were extremely vivid and would indeed explain my animosity toward spiders, particularly black ones with shiny bodies and thin spikey legs... much like a black widow tattoo, actually. It would also explain my prejudice against a set of physical characteristics which influenced my instant dislike of men whom I'd never met before. Much as an abused child will often show no symptoms of the abuse until later in life, I did not exhibit the symptoms of this past-life abuse until adolescence, when sex became a possibility or at least an active topic. Regardless of whether the abuse was indeed on some cold wharf in a past lifetime or in some pocket of my youth which I have blocked, I needed to purge it. I realized that it must have been my choice to let such an act define me. I did not ask to be attacked, nor am I to blame for it in any way. I must forgive myself. I did nothing wrong. The wrong was done to me. I must also forgive the offender. I don't know what possesses a person to commit such an act, but it is not my place to sit in judgement of him. I released my feelings of fear and hatred of that soul because it serves neither of us. In fact, it is my hope that whomever he is, he may get the healing he needs for his own wounds. Yes, I love him. We all need love and healing. Letting such an act pervade my soul and still carrying the wound, was my fault. I let it go. I wish I could connect with that spirit again and reconcile accounts, letting him know that his slate is clean with me. Perhaps I have met him or perhaps I will. I don't know. I know that karma and other factors can put people in ugly situations with seemingly no good choices. There is also the possibility that the attacker was me, in some lifetime. Either way, I have to clear my own soul's slate of that blemish. Regardless of when the soul wound was inflicted or by whom, now is the time to release my spirit and allow the wound to heal. The remaining stage for me was grieving. I have mourned the effects that this has had on my current life, but that shall pass. There may be other levels to this of which I am currently unaware. However, I'm on my way to much more light than that darkness could possibly overshadow. I will not let any act define who I am. I guess I'll know that I'm over this completely when I realize how beneficial spiders are and that they have no ill intent where I'm concerned. They're just trying to live, like everything else. When possible, I will let them. (History)

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