Starry Night by Vincent VanGogh

Testimony of Faith: Recovery of Self

It has come to my attention, through personal exchanges with others, that there's a reasonable number of us who are or have been in the throes of recovering ourselves from fundamentalist religion in order to embrace our own peace, comfort, joy, love and light that is truly available to all. The concentration I'm aware of is in the Bible Belt of the US, generally the southern half, from the east coast to a bit over the Mississippi River. I'm sure that I'm getting these connections because they resonate so completely with my own experience. I'd like to speak to this experience in a personal account, in the hopes of connecting with and maybe helping others, even as I continue to work at this recovery myself... I now enjoy the communion of my connection to the universal divinity, the Oneness, the cosmos, All That Is, what some people call God. But, I had to grow into it. I had to break down barriers to get here. I had to find my own way through a long series of searching, both outwardly and within. Most of the remaining recovery now is an occasional sting as a result of interactions with other souls who unwittingly tap an old injury. I'm glad when these sore spots are found so I can heal them. The start of my earnest exploration came from a rejection of God's Love because of the way it was presented to me. Oh, I accepted it early on, when I was very young and trusting. God's Love, as presented, carried a heavy price, the heaviest. I was told that I was worth nothing and would always be worth nothing, no matter what I did, because I was born a sinner and unlovely, in fact, a totally despicable being, in the eyes of Heaven. It was God's law. This message was reinforced in every action and word, especially in the words shared from God's book. God loved me, but only because he was God. I was such a useless sinning vile creature that no one else could possibly love me, ever, not even me. My only salvation was to accept God's Grace. His grace was to defy his own laws of justice and to love the unlovable. That's why he sent Jesus. I was so bad that another person had to actually die so that I could even be tolerable to Heaven. I was so bad that God had to send his own son to Earth and let him be killed, just to compensate for my horridness. Even then, this gruesome death did not make me worth one mite more. It was just the only way God could counteract his own laws so he could see his way clear to love such a worthless and tainted thing as me. As my human self was trying to make the transition from child to adult (adolescence), when everything was so awkward anyway, it was easy for me to see the veracity of the lessons I was getting from people about God. Sure, I felt odd, bad, confused. I had urges and changes happening which I didn't understand yet. But these people seemed to understand and explained to me that it was all bad. I was all bad. I must repent. I must turn over my worthless self to God. I must ask for forgiveness and continue to do so every day that I breathe because my very existence was a travesty. I bought it all. What choice was there? I was being faced with the TRUTH and an important book to back it up and God to back it up. I was just a teenager. What did I know? Nothing. Everyone said so. I was useless and the only possible redeeming thing I could do was believe everything I was being told about God and to pray, fervently, daily, that he wouldn't forget the huge favor he'd done by killing his only real child just so he could love me. I was grateful too, because as worthless as I was, I was still better off than those people who'd never heard of God or had rejected his Grace. They were doomed to miserable lives and eternity in Hell. They would be excluded from God's presence (even though he was infinite). Well, that whole scenario ran my life for ten to twelve years, developing years, until I managed to get through high school and start working in the world. I was a faithful and diligent servant. I knew I was worthless in God's eyes (despite his Love) so there wasn't a chance for me to be anything more in the eyes of other people who couldn't possibly be as gracious. But, I would still try. It was part of the payment for Jesus' life. Live to serve. So, I did. But something had been nagging at me, in the recesses of my mind, in the depths of my own being. From the same book that people had used to beat me into worm's meat, they occasionally let it slip that... God created me. God created me.... If God created me, then WHY did he make me such a vile thing? If he was perfect, why would he make me or need me at all? And why would he craft such garbage? Just to make himself look good when he turned around and put on the Jesus Show to reportedly save my sorry self from his own damnation?? He was making worthless chess pieces, insisting that they fight his battles, then flicking them off the chessboard for sport? Except that if we were good little chess pieces, then he might put us away in a nice fluffy box when the game was over? At some point my spirit rebelled. I realized that God must be pretty stupid, egotistical or down right sadistic. In any case, he surely was not perfect or loving. So, the whole thing disassembled in my very thoughts. I came to know in my heart that it was all a racket, a con game, and had nothing to do with divinity. It was all just people shoveling fertilizer on each other and I finally stood up out of it. I'd had enough of being a mushroom. I had to find out who I really was and figure out my place in relation to everything else. Thus I began researching alternate belief systems. I was still interested in the comfort of community because I was so accustomed to it, however, my spirit was raw from the grating I'd gotten in God's name. I was sensitive to the possibility that other communities could be just as harmful to me as the one I'd come from. I saw so many variations. Each one collected groups of people, and the more I learned, the more I realized that they were all basically getting to the same point, at least at the purest level. Yet, they all seemed to have partitions. They would only accept their internal explanations and all others were viewed as incorrect. They all seemed to exclude each other. To me, each one seemed appropriate for some segments of people, but not every single person ever. So in effect, they were all 'right.' But they didn't seem to recognize this truth between them? It looked like a field of boxes, all working at the same thing, but without their occupants knowing it. From this I decided I would tolerate no more boxes and in fact I realized that no one should tolerate such boxes because the true divinity, the true creative force in the universe, has made us all just as varied as celestial bodies, plants, animals, and every other thing. I knew that we are infinite in variety as well as number. So, while I might choose to be with other people and share a belief system with them, there could be no single system to cover everyone unless it allowed for our variety, with no other conditions. I came to know, to feel at my deepest level, that exclusion is a violation of universal law. Eternal Infinity is all inclusive. No one and no thing can be left out. There has been a long line of realizations over several years. I began to work at making my own flexible belief system with pieces from others which felt right and true to me. I've been filling in the gaps or refining by way of inner discovery. I build the structure only to have a framework from which to operate my daily life. The base of it, always, is simply the joy of acknowledging my own existence as an integral but unique facet of Everything... and honoring this truth in respect to all others. So, I essentially walk a solitary path. In my opinion, everyone does, even if they don't realize it (before true spiritual consciousness or Awakening). Yes, it's sometimes scary to be on my own. Yes, it would have been easier and more comfortable to just find a reasonable niche in some other community and relax there. But my spirit knows that I have been susceptible to this comfort, that I can fall prey to persuasion, and lose my true self. I know that I'm a unique spirit, as we each are. I know that my patchwork method of faith will not suit everyone. I know that it doesn't matter what path anyone takes as long as it works for their own spirit. This works for mine. I know that the only spiritual tenet which matters between us is that we accept each other, as is, and however we grow to be. No matter how different we are, we need to love each other. Period. It is my deepest wish, my soul's desire, that I have the strength to stay on my own path. IF in my travels I can help others with lessons I've learned, then I am grateful for those opportunities to assist. I still serve, but I serve from my own love and compassion for all others and myself, not because an external power commanded it. I serve because I have appreciated all the help I've received from other spirits, even when they didn't know it. I am thrilled to share what I've been given. I am joyful to meet others who've had similar experiences or recognize something in my path as a truth in theirs too. Confirmation is always nice, especially on an independent trail. Outside of myself, from love and compassion for all others, it is my hope that we may all rise up and know our own glorious individuality and integral place in the divinity of all creation, in the eternal infinity, no matter what we each choose to call it or what details we use to describe it. My recovery work continues but I think the hardest part, as in all such endeavors, was to recognize the need and to take that first step to begin. The first thing I had to admit was that I am worth it. So are you. Regardless of the path you take, I am grateful for you and wish you great joy in the secure knowledge that you are loved unconditionally, by and along with every particle of the eternal infinity. 09.07.2001

Site, content, graphics © DHP  ~ Email

Go to Soul Journal menu
  or to uicksilver main menu